I Wish I Never Met You by Denise N. Wheatley

Author:Denise N. Wheatley
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Published: 2004-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing—and then marry him.

— C HER

Unholy Matrimony

T here are those of us who get lonely. Who get desperate. Who get bored, weak, retarded, and horny. We get so out of sorts that we forget how to function. We become irritable. Disagreeable. Impatient. Immoral. We wonder why. It is because we need a better half in our lives. By any means necessary.

So we search. And seek. And seek. And search. For a long time. And find no one. Which makes us feel frustrated. Hopeless. Destitute. Neglected. But not enough to take us all the way under. We are still here. So we must keep looking. It is the only way to survive. So we give it one last good ole college try.

We come up with an alternative plan. A less adequate plan. A plan that will tamper with our standards. Modify our ideals. Alter our ethics. Force us to settle for just a half. Not a better half. Just a half. And under the most extreme circumstances, we settle for even less than a half.

Halves and less than halves do not live up to the Plan A players. Plan A players are single, attractive, funny, and smart. Plan B players are not. Plan B players are usually ugly, personality-less, full of shit, and/or attached. But they’re willing. Willing to get with our desperate asses. So we’re able. Able to adjust to their defective asses. Suddenly, ugly is sufficient. Personality is unimportant. Bullshit is acceptable. As for girlfriends? They’re invisible. As for fiancées? They’re irrelevant. Deprivation does not allow us to think of others. Solitude has forced us to act now and pay later.

Then there are those of us who are mindless warriors. When we see something we want, we’ve got to have it. We will fight for it. We don’t care who it belongs to. We are better than who it belongs to anyway. So we’re going to get it. By any means necessary. But the means won’t be extensive, considering that we think we can get anybody we want. We can’t, and it’s obvious, but we still believe we can.

People like us attempt to break the strongest unions. Destroy the happiest homes. Increase the divorce rate. We have no regard for marriage. We’re too cute to worry about that. Our butts are too big to worry about that. Wedding bands are too thin to worry about that. And we know how to play the game in order to win the prize, too. Our promises of discretion warrant guiltless indulgence. Our bedside manner alleviates all vows of monogamy. Our skillful demeanor prevents us from being found out. Personal desires prevent us from considering others’ feelings. From considering the consequences. We feel shafted, not guilty. We feel owed, not responsible. Bottom line: since all men and women were supposedly created equal, we feel that the blessed should share with the less fortunate.

Then there are those of us who do respect relationships.

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